Tambu's self analysis

On Page 39, Tambu is reflecting her circumstances after the arrival of her cousins from England. She is upset and feels left out, and is trying to analyze her feelings and exactly who she is upset with and why she is upset. But then she goes on to say “ Sensing how unwise it was to think too deeply about these things in case I manoeuvred myself into a blind alley at the end of which I would have to confront unconfrontable issues, I busied myself with housework.” It’s interesting that Tambu uses this kind of restraint in her analysis of her feelings. What’s even more interesting is that she continues throughout the novel to shy away from a deep, thorough analysis of her inner most thoughts and feelings. We see this later on in the novel on page 118 when Tambu says “I didn’t want to explore the treacherous mazes that such thoughts led into. I didn’t want to reach the end of those mazes, because there, I knew, I would find myself and I was afraid I would not recogise myself after having taken so many confusing directions.” To me, this unwillingness to truly examine herself is the “nervous condition”. Because she is aware of the differences between her educated Uncle, Aunt, and cousins, that puts her into a strange “in-between” place where part of her is proud of her heritage/culture and the other part of more envious of the opportunities afforded to that other side of the family that have been educated. As it progresses, the gulf widens, which leads her to wondering if she would recognize her “true” self, and even who her true self is.